Our Greatest Learning


Our greatest learning perhaps has been this :

When you come to a point in your life of unutterable suffering, where there is no apparent way out, there God calls to you that He is here and He is with you. All you have to do is seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be open to you.

 For my self, I have learned that the only way to endure such unendurable tormenting , beyond imagining, sheer pain, is, strangely enough , to go in to it, not resist it and to become incredibly still. This then is where I have come to find God unexpectedly close and present, even in the darkest place of my mind, where I have somehow dissociated and free floated within the pain. He too is truly there and has saved me. He has not necessarily done anything obvious. No words have been spoken, though God does speak to me and I have heard Him many times.


In these profound places of extreme torment I have not heard His Voice , only sensed Him being with me. But only when I have gone right into the pain and not resisted it when there has been no resistance for the pain to react against.

 When I am in the chaos of unutterable indescribable agony I cannot necessarily feel God at all. The power of the physical experience is huge, vast and all encompassing. I cannot bear the moment I am in.

There is no other moment than this one and it seems to spread out to all eternity in an eternal moment of excruciating torture. I don't really have the words to describe the experience.

 It is more than torment, more than torture, more than indescribable, more than intolerable, more than unacceptable, more than completely unbearable. It is screamingly hostile and negating. It is barbaric in its cruelty. It is exquisitely diminishing. It is almost completely incomprehensible in its agony it is so vast, so punishing, so pure, so bleak, so empty of life and full of sensations that is beyond endurance.

 It is no wonder that Jesus called out to the Father and asked why had he abandoned him. Such is the nature of that place that all awareness can be blocked except for the pain itself that pierces every cell and every space between cells, every existing fibre of being is caught up in the torturing pain. God, who loves us still and holds us all, is helpless to help us in that place in the sense that He cannot reach us, even though he reaches out to us. He weeps for us. He weeps with us, yet the physicality of the pain is immense and unquenchable.

There is no other feeling here.

All focus must be on coping, on bearing the unbearable, on remaining, on the pain itself, for there is no place that is not pain.

There is no place that is not agony , there is no place that is not on fire with the violence of hurt, within the physicality of the body. The pain screams non existence at you. The pain will consume you. It is not easy to feel spirit in this place. Your mind is huge , it can cry out, but whether it can hear or receive a reply is unlikely. The pain alone is all consuming. You just want it to stop. You do not know when it will kill you, for surely you cannot remain existing in such intense violation of life.